Help! Gone missing, presumed lost possibly forever!! One complete and comprehensive package of Evil Streak ™. Useful when plotting world domination, or, taking over the reins of Apple from the Steve’s and replacing them with clones!!! My clones!! (Or just taking the last apple in the pantry without replacement or remorse!) If Evil streak ™ falls into the wrong hands, the world is doomed!!! Evil streak is especially dangerous in the hands of: mad scientists!! (He just might push the button down!! he says, after scorching the earth, it’s just an experiment!!!) Evil genius crime boss!! (He pushed the safety button down yesterday, five people got shot!!) Senile despotic mainly African tyrant!!! (He couldn’t find the button in a million years, but will pretend he can!! Note though, that if he finds the button, he will push!!)What is such a formidable product doing in civilian hands?
How did soon to be extinct tyrannosaurus rex bloke whose heyday was in the eighties, acquire the skills to work with Boxatrix technology? Thankfully, he doesn’t even know that the button exists, poor sod!! We all know that a good measure of Evil streak™ will allow eighties bloke to carry a grudge on for years!! Sometimes, he’ll be upset by little things, for hours on end!!! And for no apparent reason other than hunger or tyranny, just be upset!! Tyranny indeed goes very well with Evil Streak ™!! 72 hrs ago, eighties bloke decided to hatch an elaborate plan to get out of jail! This jail is also AKA 256 Long Street, or home!! But by this afternoon, he had already forgotten why! Will eighties bloke ever again be able to hatch an elaborate plan? Who knows?
What then should we make of this? Sons of eighties bloke informed him 72 minutes ago that both eighties bloke and noughties chick’s iPad minis (retina display space grey and 128gig no less) Both! Had gone missing!!! Sons of eighties bloke had been to a summer fete, and, they came back with a prize hamper. The hamper was fabulous, it was packed full of stuff!! Sons of Eighties bloke did not come back with the iPads! IPads had been left only God knows where!!! A fair exchange you might say? We can argue over that point later. Both iPads are missing, but why am I not bothered? I’m not bothered; I’m not in the least bit bothered. Wtf has happened to me? Evil streak ™ Where the heck are you now that I need you?? I’d better pull out my warranty!!
We can handle you!!! Proclaims the banner that sits atop the porch of 291 Capital Street, the official address of Boxatrix. The world renowned manufacturers of essential left-path working kit. Best products in the world by sales! They declare. We are so proud of our flagship products, like Evil Streak ™ !! It is estimated that every household owns, or aspires to one! Bitter Regret (patent pending)!!! brand new!!!! proving very, very, popular with the 80s demographic!! Blokes just like you!! Down memory lane (with a pang of angst) ™, probably our most subtle product, is specially designed to keep those with a sensitive side contained in their situational suffering!! These artificers are essential kit for anyone intending to do any type of domination, be it whole world or third world.
We can handle you!! It screams. That much is true, studies have shown, productivity indices in industry, go through the roof when attenuated with products from Boxatrix. In Industries like, Mischief making (Think Warner Brothers or Disney!!) Merry Making (Think Warner Bros or Disney again!!) Reality Conversion, Think Google! (oh you didn’t know?) What do you think will happen when they have mapped all those indices of the earth? Sell you maps?? And exploitation based big fat ego satisfaction industry!! (You might think of your professional service here and I’m not mentioning lawyers or bankers, or accountants, or, politicians or civil servants. I’m just saying…you might think of your professional service here) Boxatrix!!!! (They CAN handle you!) What a company, what formidable products!!
So here I am tyrannosaur rex, 80’s bloke, my main problem is, noughties chick!! What can I say, of noughties chick?? I am not really sure but I will try!! I’m tired she says, I’m bored she says, my stomach hurts she says, yes I know! I say,I did that!! But, how?? She says, I know you can’t count!! You always leave it to me to count, the bills!! Ha ha, I respond, ha ha and ha ha. You weren’t looking!!! Anyway, I digress. Evil Streak™ has gone missing, and elaborate plan is still incomplete!!! I’ve got a warranty, I need to use it!!! I’ve got to call up Boxatrix!! Hi, says the fellow, this is Boxatrix he says. How can I help? Yes indeed, I say, I’ve misplaced Evil Streak ™, since 96 hrs ago!! World domination plan has been at a standstill, the minions; they have started to beat up on themselves!! Worse yet, the escape plan from 256 Long Street needs be resuscitated!! What can I do? I have a warranty!!! Ok he says, but, oh dear!! Hmm, we might have a problem here. We haven’t made that particular brand of evil streak since 1999. The millennium bug put the fear of Deuce in us!! Our contingency plans could not accommodate!! A combination of evil streak™ and millennium bug, our systems could not calibrate!!!
Alas!! I say, I’m truly am doomed, and tuck me dead how do I continue?? Ok he says, lets see what we can do, you might need to employ Reality Conversion. They at least can modify or augment your reality, but I must warn you, it does not come cheap!! Ok I said, the cost is no problem, no price is too high to get out of jail!! Aha says Boxatrix executive, that is the spirit we like to hear, money is no object, yes indeed, that is the kind of client we need!! Reality Conversion is very subtle, BUT it is irreversible! You could end up on a rock, when what you need is a hard place!! But wherever you land will be different from where you are now, agreed??? Agreed I said, Shoot me dead with silver bullets I say, I’m ready. Ok he says, go into your office, what do you see?? Well tuck me dead! How can this be? One iPad mini space black 128 gig presumed missing but now found!!! Yes he says, but,I said, I haven’t signed the contracts yet? He laughs, isn’t it beautiful?
You signed the contracts let me see, it was 256 days ago yesterday!!! Welcome!! To your new reality!! It is day 257 today!! What a beautiful day it is. Today!!!!